on my mind

the thought of going back to tampa on sunday makes me cry.

my few days back in nashville have really made me realize

how much i miss my friends and family

and the hills

and the trees

and everything about nashville.

tampa is so flat

and....uninspiring.

i don't want to be surrounded by strip malls

and chinese take-out restaurants.

i need hills

and trees

and air.

i need to breathe.

we are in a weird limbo/waiting period right now.

we're still waiting to find out if bennett has been accepted to northwestern

and although he has been accepted to the university of south florida

we need to wait and see what kind of funding he is offered.

my fingers are crossed for northwestern.

hopefully we'll find out soon

so our lives will have somewhat of a direction

for the next few years....

this uncertainty is driving me nuts.

a serious post

i feel like my life right now is in one giant pickle.

bennett and i are great.

we've never been better.

but we have no stability.

right now, we're living off his jimmy johns pay

which is next to nothing

and i can't work because student teaching takes over my life.

so here's the thing...

i graduate in 6 weeks

(thank GOD)

and bennett will be finding out in march if he gets into grad school.

so we're considering going ahead and moving in january

so we can live with his family for a couple months to save some money

which will allow us to look for jobs, find a house, etc.

the problem is,

i have no idea what to do. 

i've never had a "real" job.

it's always been babysitting, nannying, or a summer job.

my degree will be in art education,

but it's very unlikely i'll find a teaching position beginning in january.

i want to make things.

i want to make beautiful things for people.

i want to take photographs.

i want to utilize my creativity.

i want to play with children.

i want to do what i love,

and love what i do.

why does that seem so impossible?

i don't think i'm ready to be a teacher yet.

maybe next fall i will be, but not now.

so what do i do in the meantime?

how do i find a full time job that i will love to do,

and at the same time,

make enough money to support us?

i've been reading etsy's quit your day job posts,

and they're so inspiring.

but in order to get to that point

i need to focus on one thing,

perfect it,

then peruse it.

in the perfect world

we would have some babies, 

bennett would get his phd in philosophy and not have to work at the same time,

i would stay home and make things all day,

and money would never be an issue.

until that happens,

i guess i'll have to figure something out...

no more moping

since sitting around and worrying doesn't do anything

why not pass the time by looking at beautiful clothing

and getting inspired by fashion blogs?

images from lookbook and the edge of love

do not worry

i am a worrier

always have been, always will be

but since bennett has been gone

(which makes my worrying a million times worse)

i have found comfort in this single question:

can all your worries add a single moment to you life?*

my worrying does nothing but hurt me

it won't make things easier

it won't make me happier

it won't bring my bennett back to me faster

worrying won't benefit me in any way

so why let it run my life?

*matthew 6:27