time is flying by

it's hard to believe how quickly time is passing now.

in about 17 weeks this baby girl will be here...

maybe more

maybe less.

my belly is growing more and more each day

and it's becoming real to us

that before too long

our lives are going to completely change.

it's terrifying

exciting

and completely overwhelming.

sometimes i just wish there was a pause button.

i wish i could stop time just long enough to get everything figured out and ready*.

but of course that's not going to happen

so all i can do is take it one day at a time

and do what i can to prepare.

and bask in every little kick and hiccup.

*we found out that i don't get a maternity leave so i'm being forced to resign after the baby is born. which means no job, no income, and no insurance. you don't want to know the level of my stress...

whew.

thanks to the stress of life

and the fact that we don't have internet at the house yet

i have had 0 opportunities to blog.

our house has fleas.

it's really disgusting

and they won't go away.

i really need a summer job.

i only have a few weeks left of teaching.

it's hot as h-e-double hockey sticks here in florida.

i am sweating 100% of the time.

but you know what?

lazy day

yesterday i came home exhausted from a long day of teaching

so we lounged on the couch

drank wine

listened to the thunderstorm outside

and watched brave heart.

it was perfect.

no matter how stressful my job is

or how much i just want to quit sometimes

i always get to come home to my bennett.

he is the light at the end of the tunnel.

a bright, beautiful, shining light.

photo from a rainy day in our first home together

a serious post

i feel like my life right now is in one giant pickle.

bennett and i are great.

we've never been better.

but we have no stability.

right now, we're living off his jimmy johns pay

which is next to nothing

and i can't work because student teaching takes over my life.

so here's the thing...

i graduate in 6 weeks

(thank GOD)

and bennett will be finding out in march if he gets into grad school.

so we're considering going ahead and moving in january

so we can live with his family for a couple months to save some money

which will allow us to look for jobs, find a house, etc.

the problem is,

i have no idea what to do. 

i've never had a "real" job.

it's always been babysitting, nannying, or a summer job.

my degree will be in art education,

but it's very unlikely i'll find a teaching position beginning in january.

i want to make things.

i want to make beautiful things for people.

i want to take photographs.

i want to utilize my creativity.

i want to play with children.

i want to do what i love,

and love what i do.

why does that seem so impossible?

i don't think i'm ready to be a teacher yet.

maybe next fall i will be, but not now.

so what do i do in the meantime?

how do i find a full time job that i will love to do,

and at the same time,

make enough money to support us?

i've been reading etsy's quit your day job posts,

and they're so inspiring.

but in order to get to that point

i need to focus on one thing,

perfect it,

then peruse it.

in the perfect world

we would have some babies, 

bennett would get his phd in philosophy and not have to work at the same time,

i would stay home and make things all day,

and money would never be an issue.

until that happens,

i guess i'll have to figure something out...

why haven't i been blogging?

well,

in the next 21 days i have to:

write a unit plan for my final art education assignment

finish my final sculpture assignment and photo assignment

decide on music for the reception and finalize ceremony music

order flowers at the wholesale florist

finish ALL wedding decorations

find bridesmaids gifts

and bennett's gift

make favors

decide on desserts

pick up our marriage certificate

switch over to bennett's bank

sign up for a credit card

move out of my house

pack for the honeymoon

practice dancing

stop biting my fingernails

oh, and about a million other things.

but,

before i know it,

my wedding day will be here

and i will be the happiest girl in the whole world.

come on may 22nd!

hurry up and get here!

overwhelmed

i have a midterm tomorrow

and a photo assignment due

and i need to clean my room

and pick a caterer

and book one of the hotels for our honeymoon

and finish our honeymoon registry

and take my car in to be serviced

and go to the bank

and find out where the groomsmen can rent suits

and do our marriage counseling homework

and ten million other things

i hardly have time to breathe...

a little bit stressed

ah,

nothing like eating a bowl of chicken noodle soup

at 1:15 am

while trying to finish one million assignments....

this is how i feel right now

about ready to pull out all my hair:

Gustave Courbet

The Desperate Man